9/21/2005 03:12:00 PM|W|P|Kelley Green|W|P|She didn't have cancer. She wasn't even ill. Her husband, for reasons we will probably never know, came home in the middle of the day, locked the doors and shot Andrea before turning the gun on himself. Andrea was a beaming, joyful person from her crazy red hair to her ever-present smile down to the bottom of her lighthearted step. She was an exuberant, caring mother of four girls ranging in age from 8 down to 3. Two of the girls have been in school with Aidan and all of them went through Donna's class. The fear and uncertainty that I have been dancing with for the past 8 weeks is nothing, nothing, in comparison to the shock, grief and rage I feel at this complete tragedy. There is no one to explain, no one to rail at, and there is no reason in the world that I can forgive for what has been done. I cannot begin to imagine why anyone, least of all her husband, would want to do this to Andrea or to their daughters. Insanity couldn't be enough of an excuse. I loathe the cowardice these acts reveal. I start chemotherapy tomorrow morning. A journey towards life and light that will now be missing a friend who I was just beginning to really know.|W|P|112734135339603180|W|P|A friend died yesterday.|W|P|kelley@grngrl.com9/17/2005 11:41:00 AM|W|P|Kelley Green|W|P|So, the portacath insertion went swimingly. It actually took them less time than usual and we were home by 'lunch'. Course, I wasn't much on eating, but that's alright. Yesterday (Friday) we went to see Dr. Tokaz (oncologist) to figure out the schedule from here on out. Treatment is the longest phase of dealing with breast cancer. In the past 6 weeks I've gone through initial testing, biopsies, diagnosis, lumpectomy, re-diagnosis, bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and 4 weeks of relatively quiet recovery. Whoa. Treatment on the other hand is going to span a minimum of 18 weeks...and that's just the active medical part. Recovery will be a number of months after that. Dr. Tokaz took us through a number of treatment senarios, culminating in his recommendation that we do TAC...6 cycles at 3 weeks apart. Okay...the explanation I have for this is pretty vague still. There are many different classes and types of chemotherapy drugs. I will be doing AC (Adriamycin & Cyclophosphamide), the most common regime for early stage cancer in pre-menopausal women. I will also be doing Taxotere, at the same time. This is apparently newish and aggressive. The idea being a moderately spaced, heavy regime has the best chance of lowering my chances of recurrence. Alrighty then... If that were it, this wouldn't seem quite so overwhelming. Chemo doesn't just happen alone, there are a number of other tests and support appointments that go along with it. Harken to me...Week 1: Meet with oncologist followed immediately by chemotherapy. 24 hours later, return to lab for injection of White Blood Cell builder (neulasta or similar). Later in the week, return for WBC count check. Week 2: Meet with Nurse Practitioner to asses side effects,etc. Later in the week, WBC counts. Week 3: WBC count check. Add to this the fact that I'm seeing a physical therapist weekly and an acupuncturist the Saturday after my chemo and a nutritionist on top of that. If this seems like a full-time job to you, join the club. I've already got a full-time job thanks...two children, a husband, a household, multiple pets, a garden...HELP. Okay, we're looking for a part-time nanny. I never thought I'd be the nanny type of mom, but ya gatta do wat ya gatta do. I'm going to be hiring in a service to clean the house every other week. I just can't waste the energy keeping up with heavy household chores (for those of you snickering at me, yes, I know I never did them much any way) There's also the fact that everything needs to be super sanitary around here for the next 5 months. Chemo knocks down your WBC count and leaves you very vulnerable to infections of every kind. If the kids or Sam gets sick, I have to hide. If I even have the sniffles, I can't do my chemo that cycle, and I want to stay on track and get this over with sooner. I have lots of friends and family to help, but, wow this still seems like a big, overbearing beast. All in all, I think I'm ready. I'm not looking forward to it particularly, but I'm setting my sights on January. And, just so you know, I'm counting not in months or weeks, but in cycles. 6 on down. I should have my first treatment on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. I'll let you know how it goes. :)k|W|P|112698380044404374|W|P|And the Verdict is...|W|P|kelley@grngrl.com9/13/2005 09:08:00 AM|W|P|Kelley Green|W|P|In a preemptive strike against certain despair, I decided to shave my head now (last night) instead of watching it fall out from the chemotherapy. My reckoning is that the more proactive one can be the better. I choose to cut my hair and make it serve a purpose. I have sent the lot to Locks of Love. For those of you who don't know, this organization (one of many) makes wigs for kids with leukemia and other serious illnesses that have caused them to lose their hair. It's often harder on the very young to understand being bald. I've donated before...when I realized I was going to be very, very pregnant in August with Cassidy, I cut about 16 inches and sent it off as a donation. It's a good feeling... The kids are handling mom's new look quite well. We warned Aidan ahead of time that the chemo was very strong medicine that would make my hair fall out and often make me very tired. We told him that I was going to cut it before that happened because then it was my choice. I told him last night that daddy and I were going to cut it and he seemed okay with it. Cass was a different sort of difficult. There isn't a way to warn a 2 year old that Mommy is going to look much different in the morning. I woke her up in the dark so she would recognize my voice before seeing me. Then we turned on the little light and she worked up to it. In just a few minutes we were all trying on my hats and scarves and she thought it was great. Much fun has been had rubbing my head...and Aidan made a note that Daddy and I have the same haircut now. Yay! One hurdle passed, without clipping the bar. Aidan has started seeing a group called Wonders and Worries. They are a group that supports children who have a serious illness in the family. We went for the first time yesterday and Aidan met with one of their counselors. The conversation started with Aidan telling Meredith all about my illness, it's progression from tests, to surgery, the hospital, and how I was going to be taking "strong medicine" that would make me tired,etc. They then went off to 'play' and discuss the portacath and various other things. He wanted to know, upon leaving, when we were going back. Hurdle #2...done. Thursday morning I go in to have the portacath placed. Friday morning I go to see my oncologist. Sometime early next week I start chemo... The race goes on. :)k|W|P|112662872690931207|W|P|Shorn, shorn, shorn|W|P|kelley@grngrl.com